I’m sorry to have to be the one to break the news, but we’re all dead. Along with some other brave Heroes I’ve been down in the depths, fighting against the Necromancer’s horde. There were zombies and skeletons, revenants and trolls. Oh my! Not to put too fine a point on it – we were slaughtered. The upshot is that he gets to summon the largest army the world has ever seen and you’re all dead.

Sorry.

It’s not entirely my fault. Honest. The Wizard kept forgetting his spells, and mumbling the few he could remember didn’t help their effectiveness any: Burn performed more like Fizzle. The Elf was using the joke arrows with the suckers on the end, which was very witty. Didn’t reduce the bad guys though. The Barbarian was on form in terms of fighting, and even had the measure of the doors. However, his timing was all over the place and he kept being a turn late to help here, a turn early to be in position there. The Dwarf, meanwhile, had no luck at all, and despite the best magical armour ever made, was the first to die.

Of course, it’s not all down to our ineptitude. The Necromancer himself was on especially cunning form. In one particularly deft move he shuffled round a bunch of zombies into a conga line. And, while we were laughing at him and making jokes at his expense, all the time getting ready to pounce. Curse him for fighting well! How dare he have a genuinely cunning plan!

The things I have to put up with!